TSLP 4 Ep. 43- 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace

🎙️ NEW EPISODE | The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace 
I am especially excited to share this conversation because I truly believe it has the power to transform the way we lead, encourage, and value the people around us.

Join me for an inspiring conversation with Dr. Paul White, co-author of The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace, as we explore why appreciation is far more than saying "thank you" it's one of the most powerful leadership tools we have.

Here's one of my biggest takeaways:
People don't just want to be recognized for what they do, they want to know they matter for who they are.

If you lead people in any capacity, whether in business, the military, healthcare, education, ministry, or your community, this is a conversation you don't want to miss.

Learn more about Dr. White:
Website: https://appreciationatwork.com
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/paul-white-ph-d-3178276/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@AppreciationAtWork
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/search/top/?q=appreciation%20at%20work

Thanks for tuning in to Transformation Station! If this episode fired you up, smash that subscribe button, share it with someone who’s ready to level up, and tell me the moment that hit hardest. Your voice keeps this movement unstoppable. 

Until next time, stand tall, step bold, and own your transformation.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:19

What if one of the biggest reasons that employees disengage, that teams struggle, and that leaders lose influence? What what if it has nothing to do with compensation or strategy or talent? What if people simply don't feel appreciated? Oh man, listen, I can't wait to dive into this conversation today. Come on, let's get started. Welcome to Transformation Station, where we explore leadership principles, personal growth, and practical strategies that help leaders like you and me thrive both personally and professionally. I'm your host, Adrian Benton, and today we're discussing a topic that impacts every organization, every team, and every leader. That's right. We're talking about appreciation. And I can't wait. I'm super excited because today, joining us is the co-author of the groundbreaking work inspired by Dr. Paul White's research, The Five Languages at Work. So, together with him, we're going to explore how leaders like us can create healthier cultures, improve engagement, and strengthen trust. But before we get into that conversation, I want to remind you of a few things. Number one, it is time for you to go to Amazon and to grab your copy of A Greater Force Than Failure Intentional Time with God. This is a journal for anyone like you and me that has ever made a mistake, has ever had what we feel is a failed moment and we're looking to overcome. It will take you through a four-step process that will inspire you to renew, to reset, and to move forward. So go ahead and grab your copy today. And then we want to remind you to go ahead and to join the mobilizing with impact community. Because when you join our community at mobilizingwithimpact.com, you will get a monthly newsletter. And in that newsletter, there will be leadership practices and principles. You will also be able to stay in touch and learn about all of the events and the programming, the community gatherings that we have virtually. So I want to invite you again to go to mobilizingwithimpact.com. Matter of fact, do it right now. All right. Well, listen, it's time to tell you about our special guest. Dr. Paul White is a psychologist. He's an author and a speaker who makes work relationships work. He he has written books, he has written articles for and been interviewed by the BBC News, Business Week, the New York Times Entrepreneur, Fans Company, and Forbes. Dr. White is the co-author of the best-selling book, The Five Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace. Listen, I have my copy. Can't see it, but I got my copy right here. And I have my journal. He's a number one New York Times bestseller. Well, he yes, which has sold over 600,000 copies and has been translated into 25 languages. And based on extensive research, Dr. White has developed practical ways for leaders like you and I, for employees like you and I, to be able to communicate authentically and to be able to increase employee engagement, lower staff turnover, and have more positive work environments. It is absolutely my honor and privilege to welcome to Transformation Station, Dr. Paul White. Dr. White, thank you and welcome for joining us here on Transformation Station today.

SPEAKER_01 4:20

Yeah, thank you, Adrian. I'm I'm excited to be with you.

SPEAKER_00 4:23

Absolutely. So in preparation for this episode, I was thinking to myself that often, you know, leaders when it comes to expressing appreciation, sometimes we're not always as forward with it. Sometimes we struggle in connecting with those who we are leading. Sometimes, because of our mindsets, we are tempted not to express appreciation because we feel like if we do, then people won't work as hard. Yet, I know for me I've found over the years that effective leadership is not just about communicating my expectations, but it's also about understanding what makes my team feel seen, feel respected, and valued. So I want to start off with this question. Why is appreciation so important in the workplace? And why do so many of us as leaders underestimate its impact?

SPEAKER_01 5:22

Well, yeah, it's a great um two-part question. Why appreciation is important in the workplace, I think, is because um our lives have drifted more and more to have work as a center of our life. You know, in in years and decades in the past, it was the family, it was the community, maybe uh church, recreational kinds of things, but our time and energy and focus really is dominated by work. And if we don't feel valued there, uh boy, that is a big missing part of our life. And you know, we are people, and I you know, one of the things that we focus on is that employees and team members aren't just you know production units, they're not machines just to get things done. We're people, we have lives and needs, and one of those needs is to feel uh like we belong and that we're valued. And it's interesting that you know, um, while work has become more centered, um we haven't had much modeling uh through school, through uh early work experiences. I mean, in and MBA programs and all that, they don't even talk about this. And it's more just about results. And at some point, you know, uh we start to resent feeling like we're only worth the the work that we produce. Yeah, that's part of our job, but we have more value than that uh as a whole.

SPEAKER_00 6:57

Absolutely, 1000%. You know, so many times as leaders, um, I think we get caught in the trap that compensation or promotion or that yearly recognition that that's enough. But you know, you touched on something. When people feel seen and feel heard and feel valued, man, that consistent acknowledgement, it goes a long way in the individual and the team feeling like they have something that they can contribute that is worthwhile and valued. And, you know, I saw this quote here that says, appreciation communicates, you matter here. Transformation station leaders, you know, we always like to take a moment to pause and reflect on what is resonating with us. And I think this is a good place for you to pause and reflect on your ability to continue to build a culture with your team that shares and shows and models appreciation. Because remember, when you do, you're communicating to your team that they matter there. Now, Dr. White, isn't showing appreciation just about making team members feel good?

SPEAKER_01 8:10

Well, that's what a lot of uh people and leaders think. Um, and yeah, that's one goal. I mean, we want them to know that we think and feel positively about them. But um, our research uh with over almost a half a million people uh shows that when people feel valued, first of all, they stay around. Now, in the military, that's not as big of an issue as it is in the private sector, but turnover is a huge issue for leaders, and when you lose somebody, there's no guarantee you're gonna uh be able to replace them or replace their experience and talent. So it really goes deeper than that. We want to know that we matter, that uh we're valued, and that um when that happens, we have all kinds of research that we've done. Uh I've got over 15 uh academic research publications shows that when people feel valued, they stay around longer, uh, they follow instructions better, uh, they work harder and get more done. There's less conflict among team members, and the people that you serve, your clients, have a more positive experience with your team members. And so that all leads to a healthy organization that's getting things done. And so it, yeah, we want people to feel good, but it's really far more than that. Uh, and that's why, you know, PepsiCo, Caterpillar, uh, Capital One, you know, all the major companies uh are moving towards showing appreciation because companies that have team members that feel valued and appreciated outperform those that don't.

SPEAKER_00 9:50

I see. And all of this is so true. Leaders, I know that as Dr. White is talking, you're thinking about your own team right now and how you are where you are on the journey of appreciation, what causes you to feel appreciated there. But I also want you to think also about your coworkers, your peers, and those you lead. How can you make this practical and real and relevant in the culture that you're in right now? Here's a quote that I found the other day, which says, appreciation isn't about making employees comfortable, it's about helping them feel connected to their purpose and contribution. And that's what Dr. White has been talking to us about in these few moments here. So, Dr. White, let me ask you this What are the five languages of appreciation? Yeah, and why do we as leaders need to understand them? Walk us through this.

SPEAKER_01 10:43

Yeah, so actually, you know, Dr. Chavin wrote the five love languages, which is just an international bestseller. It sold 25 million copies and it's in 50 languages. And the five languages appreciation are the same in name uh as the five love languages, but they look differently because of the workplace dynamic. So first one is words of affirmation, it's it's communicating verbally what you value uh about uh someone or what they've done well. And uh what's important to know is that that's the single largest group, it's about 44% of employees, but it's less than half of employees. So if you only use words, you're missing the mark with uh you know over half of your team members. Uh the second language is quality time, and it breaks out generationally that those of us that are a little bit older um valued quality time, individual time, usually uh with their supervisor or manager being able to uh get input from them or share observations. But for younger team members, those that are like 35 and under, um, I tell leaders just because you have a team member that has quality time as their language doesn't mean they want to have time with you. Uh it's more about hanging out with your peers and colleagues uh at lunch, going out after work together, maybe watching sports together. So it's real important to get the right kind of time. And that's one of the key things in our assessment that we've had half a million people take. Uh, we identify not only the language but the specific actions and from whom they want those. Because a key thing that we've learned is yeah, I want your leaders to do this, but it's really too much weight for leaders to do on their own. You need to teach your team members how to show appreciation to one another, and sometimes they value time with one another more than time with you. Third third language is acts of service, and that's not rescuing a low-performing uh colleague, it's really those times uh that when somebody's got a deadline that they've got to meet and they're working hard and they just need a little help uh and encouragement to get it done in time, or when you know if you're in a service mode, like uh I don't know, at a doctor's office and a whole bunch of patients show up at once, maybe the reception is sort of overwhelmed and somebody else steps in and helps out. Um quality time, uh going back to that, that's about 26%. So one out of every four people access service is uh uh 20%, so one out of five. And they sort of live by the the mantra that uh don't tell me you support me, show me. Uh for them, words are cheap, you know, you can talk all day, but if you don't help me out, man, you know, I got I don't have much time for you. Um fourth language is tangible gifts, and that's where a lot of businesses and leaders have you know sort of gone off the track that that's been sort of the the way to show recognition. Um in companies uh and even the military spends a fair amount of money on gifts and the and awards, those kinds of things, but it's less than 10 percent. So if that's all you're doing, you really aren't missing. And I've done work with the military, and I worked with one unit where the uh I'll say the company commander told each person to write their own uh appreciation. He didn't have time to do it, so it doesn't feel too authentic, you know, or or or genuine. And then the last one is physical touch, which is an interesting one in our culture, uh, because a lot of people you know, don't touch me, but it's really just uh spontaneous celebration, uh, a fist bump, a high five, maybe a congratulator handshake or a pat on the back. But in other cultures, even within the United States, are our Latin friends, the Hispanics, uh, and uh in Europe, uh the Spaniards and Portuguese, you know, they have a more touchy kind of culture. So they greet each other with a kiss on a cheek and so forth, or a hug, and no touch feels very distant and uh cool. And so you have to be aware of it, and it's always the recipient who who tells you what's appropriate, but uh it's uh we're finding it's important in a lot of different cultures.

SPEAKER_00 15:10

I love this. And best practice leaders, as you listen to Dr. White go through each of the languages, but learn how each team member best receives appreciation. This effective communication is not about how you want to communicate, but it's about how they best receive it. And Dr. White, as you're talking, I'm thinking to myself, we also as leaders have to remember that there is no one size fits all approach. You really have to take the time to be intentional with getting to know your team, your staff, uh to know what is most value. So let me ask you this how does appreciation influence engagement, retention, and organizational culture? You started talking about a little bit, but take us a little deeper.

SPEAKER_01 15:54

Yeah, so um HR professionals, human resource professionals over the past couple of decades have really focused on uh recognition and rewards. And uh I started out uh and I was I'm not an HR person, but I I we found out that it wasn't working, and I said, you know, what are you guys gonna do? They said, we don't know what to do. Uh so they sort of keep doing the same thing. And um it we've got research that uh well 79 once they showed that 79% of people who leave a job voluntarily cite a lack of uh appreciation as the main reason they leave. Um, most leaders think it's for compensation and benefits and maybe promotion, but uh that's clearly not the case. Otherwise, what we've been doing would work, and employee engagement continues to be at really the lowest it's been in 20 to 30 years, uh, and recognition rewards aren't increasing it. So it's really about that personal connection. And if you think about it, work has become more central to our lives in work relationships or and what we found in the old days. I mean, even before I was working much, you know, in the 50s and 60s, people were uh committed to an organization or a company, you know, that they worked for uh Boeing or um Caterpillar or something. Now it's person to person, and people they stay when they feel connected uh to one another. And sometimes it's not even the manager that they're connected to, it's their colleagues. And so it's it's really uh critical. And and what happens is a lot of times people are sort of when they don't feel valued, they're sort of feel touchy and easily offended. Um, and when they do feel uh valued, they they sort of let things slide off, that they know that you care about them and that you value them, even though you know maybe there was a comment that you know uh they didn't do what they uh you expected. And so it reduces conflict, it increases morale, it increases productivity. Um, and uh we've just got lots of research that show that it makes a more functional unit. And in fact, in the military, we have research that shows that uh it um increases resilience, uh, that uh you know when a team goes through a difficult uh task, uh that's knowing that the other people value you and what you do and who you are beyond what you do, uh then you you come through that difficult time together uh in a positive way.

SPEAKER_00 18:39

Yeah, I've I've seen that personally. So true, so true. So talk to us about what are some of the common misconceptions that many leaders have about showing appreciation. Let's try to get rid of some of that stinking thinking that our leaders have right now. What are some of the common misconceptions?

SPEAKER_01 18:55

Well, one of the big ones is that uh it should be public in in front of a large group. You know, about half of the population is introverted, that they are sort of like to be by themselves, a little more shy. And going up in front of a large group to be recognized is actually a negative, embarrassing uh experience for them. So it's not getting the positive that you want. That a lot of people um you know uh would prefer just uh a private comment or maybe a note or you know an email. Um, and that and that it's not all words. I mean, that's the other thing. We sort of default to words and we don't think about other things like time and acts of service. And one of the things about that, it doesn't take a lot, it's not like they want you to spend, you know, an hour a week uh, you know, listening to them, uh maybe initially, but it the need goes away when they feel truly secure in their relationship with you. So it's not a huge thing. And the other thing is that it's not all the leader's responsibility. Uh one of the things we've done is we we create an appreciation at work training kit, and we have, I don't know, probably over a hundred chaplains in the military, uh, Navy, Army, Air Force that have gone through the training. Um, it takes about an hour and a half. You get a kit and be able to use it for a half-day workshop to take teams through uh and how to show appreciation of each other because it really is, you know, who knows first when you're having a bad day. I mean, you're the person sitting next to you not necessarily super bad. And so it's a way to encourage and support people that way. And so we've created uh an assessment that's uh uh and we actually have a military specific one because you can get the language right, but if you don't get the um the actions right, uh you miss it. And so uh there's different things about that, and you know, quality time uh is an issue in the military as far as uh fraternization, you know, and so we uh uh account for that in it, and the same thing about gifts and awards, uh, and so we've made it sort of culturally contextual for for the military, and uh it's been fun to watch and see it work well.

SPEAKER_00 21:19

Yeah, I love it, I love it. And at the end of this, you'll be able to tell us how we can tap into all of this goodness, but I want to ask you this one, right? We live in a culture right now where people are teleworking. A lot of people are not, you know, working in the office, they're working virtually. So, so you know, research shows about half of the workforce is working remotely or hybrid. So, how can leaders effectively show appreciation to remote teleworking hybrid employees?

SPEAKER_01 21:47

Yeah, well, we actually developed a remote long-distance version of our assessment before COVID and then uh can continue to develop it because obviously you can do things verbally, say things in a note or uh on a on a call. How do you spend quality time? Well, one of the things we found is that you know, in a remote relationship, you don't know what the other person's doing now. So to just you know ping them, it feels like you might interrupt them. So we encourage people to uh send an email. Or text and say, hey, I'd like to connect with you for a little bit, just catch up, you know, when would be a good time? And so then you schedule uh a video call. And it's it's really about connecting at a personal level. It's not about, you know, is this job getting done? But you know, how are you doing? You know, and you know, what do you think about I don't know, whatever your sports team is, the Chiefs, or how's the US doing in the World Cup kind of thing? And um, and same thing with I acts of service. You you may not be able to do it directly, but you may be able to help um make it happen on their side of having somebody help out. Same thing with tangible gifts. So uh it takes a little more effort, uh, to be honest, in a remote setting, but it but it happens. And really, if you think about it, quality time sort of pops up a little bit more in those kinds of relationships because they're working often by themselves or not part of the team, and they would just like to connect and and um but one thing I would say about this that we're finding out is that through research that uh if at all possible, trying to connect the team in person at least once a year, because there's a diff uh qualitative difference between in-person communication and video communication, you know, and chatting, and you know, some people be pretty quiet on a on a group call, and you get them in in the room with people and they light up, you know, and and you say, Wow, I didn't realize they were that way. So we really encourage to try to connect, maybe you can't get the whole team together, but at least meet with people uh in person uh once or twice a year uh besides the remote.

SPEAKER_00 24:30

Yeah, I love that. We recently um I have a remote team and we recently established having a once-a-year uh symposium. It was amazing to see everyone can come together. I mean, one, because they had been interacting virtually, when they saw each other face to face, they felt like old friends, right? Yeah, yeah, right. There was something when everybody left, there was um a renewed sense of connectedness because they had been able to spend a couple of days with the face-to-face and to really hear each other's voice and see each other and get to know each other on a different level. So I love that as a as a best practice for our leaders. So I want to ask you this question, right? You say showing appreciation is no longer a nice to, but a have to for organizations. What do you mean by that?

SPEAKER_01 25:20

Well, it in the past it's sort of like if you show appreciation, you know, at a personal level, that's sort of almost like going above and beyond, right? That you're you're taking some extra effort. Well, partly because of remote work, partly because of uh the younger generational workers that they have different expectations, that work isn't as central a part of their life as it has, say, for boomers, um, that's they uh need more than that to really feel connected to to work. And so it really is becoming sort of um uh an act or a practice you need to do among your team to keep them connected, to communicate and uh not lose people. Uh otherwise, we know that the younger generation tends to move around a little bit more anyway. Um, but uh you don't want them going after you know a couple weeks or three or four months that you know that's a lot of waste of time and resources.

SPEAKER_00 26:25

Absolutely. So I have two more questions for you. I'm gonna throw in, throw in a uh a surprise one. Here's here we I want to ask you this question. After researching appreciation, right, in thousands of workplaces, I'm curious, Dr. White, what surprised you most about what employees truly need from their leaders?

SPEAKER_01 26:47

Wow, so I I think it's that they want to feel valued beyond work. Um, because you know, we're people, we're persons, we're we're made in the image of God, you know, and we have value beyond doing things. And so the importance of getting to know them and other talents and skills or parts of their life. Like let's say somebody's you know training for a half marathon, you know, to be able to call that out and say, Man, I'm really just impressed with your discipline to train for this, or maybe they're a good musician, you don't see that at work, but you you know, you say that is cool that you have that, or maybe it's uh a single mom that's just super committed to her kids and she does work, but then she gets other things done. And you know, to call that out and say, Man, Sophia, I'm just impressed about you know how much you love your kids, that's gonna grab her heart, you know, and she's gonna feel a sense of loyalty uh to you and the job. So I think thinking broader than just about work things and being able to uh call attention to those is really important.

SPEAKER_00 27:56

I love that. I love that. So as we turn the corner on this conversation, I want to ask you this final question. A leader, they're listening today. If a leader is listening today that wants to create more, a more appreciative culture, where should they begin?

SPEAKER_01 28:15

Yeah, you know, just a little background on that. I'm a psychologist, and you know, people don't change real easily. Um, and so it's important to make things easy for people. And so we've done that, and I think that's been part of our success. So the book, The Five Languages Appreciation in the Workplace, it's an easy read. I mean, you can pick a chapter, you don't have to read the whole thing all at once. Pick a chapter, we've got it in audiobook and uh ebooks. Um, but then the assessment, it's practical. You get a report that really shows you directly both how the person wants to be shown appreciation and what's a waste of time. You know, some people don't want you to stop by and check in on them. It's like, you know, I got things to do. Um, and and then the the training course that we've made so that you can uh run teams and groups through the process. I I think that's been uh fun and exciting to just be able to make it practical uh so that people can use it.

SPEAKER_00 29:19

I love that. Fantastic. So I'm gonna ask you one more. I know our time is wrapping up, but I want to ask you to do one more thing for me. Can you please just talk to our leaders, right? Talk to the leader that's listening right now that says, you know what, Dr. Paul, I'm listening to you, and I know that I need to make a change, I need to make an adjustment so that this, you know, appreciation can be a part of our culture. I just I feel nervous about this restart. Can you just talk to that leader that's listening today, that's on the fence right now, about how to move forward in this way?

SPEAKER_01 29:54

Yeah, you know, uh, and sometimes you're like, I got too much to do. You know, I'm I'm barely swimming above ground here. Um, and so one of the things we do is start small. I mean, maybe get the book uh or you can go to YouTube. We have a YouTube channel, Appreciation of Work, uh, and see some videos that and maybe watch with one or two of your your team members that are sort of like your you know uh associates or whatever, and and just start small and start with just your team right here, and uh find out you can go to the website and buy uh assessments for each person or um that's the easiest and um and just start small. And and I always say start somewhere with somebody. I mean, uh if and one of the things we know is if people don't feel valid, they're they're on the trading block, they're looking to go. So if you've got a key team member, you better find out how they want to be appreciated and start with them. And you can start with words, even though you don't know if that's it, because you know, most people aren't going to be offended, but do it privately, don't make it a big deal, and uh, and then you know, ask them to be able to fill that. And it's easiest to have a team fill out the assessment versus an individual person. That's a little too intense often. It's like, okay, let's just do this as a small group and share uh the results among each other and then move forward that way.

SPEAKER_00 31:22

I love it, I love it. Thank you so much for this masterclass, this leadership masterclass you gave us today. And I know that there are leaders that this is resonating with them and they want to find out more. So, can you just share with us about your resources and what's the best way to engage and tap into those?

SPEAKER_01 31:43

Yeah, so the uh the best uh website is appreciation at work.com. It's the word at appreciation at work, and it's got information about the book, about the assessment, about the training. Uh, and they can write me uh as well at Paul at drpaulkwight.com. Um, and I'll send you, Adrian, uh a sample report of uh the a military assessment as well as um a group summary so they can see what that looks like. Um you know, people want to see what they uh are gonna get before they want, you know, spend money on it. So uh it's been well received, and and I think that'll help them get them going.

SPEAKER_00 32:24

Absolutely, thank you so much again. This has been absolutely amazing, very much um value-added content, and you have given us a lot of food for thought and keys to be able to move forward. Thank you so much again for joining us today, Dr. White.

SPEAKER_01 32:40

My pleasure. Thanks for having me.

SPEAKER_00 32:42

Thank you. Wow, you know, today's conversation reminds us that leadership is not only about achieving results, truly, it's about valuing our people. We learned today through Dr. White that appreciation is not a soft skill, it is indeed a leadership skill. And you heard him over and over again say that when people feel seen, when people feel valued, when we feel understood, that that they engage differently, they contribute differently, they grow differently. Whoa. And everybody that's listening, I want you to remember this. People may forget what you said, they may forget what you did, but they rarely forget how you made them feel. And I want you to think about this powerful reflection. And and I'm inviting you to leave us comments in the chat. Here's the reflection I want you to think about the last time you truly felt valued at work. What happened, and what did that experience teach you about how people need to be led? Go ahead, whether you're watching this live or you're watching this on the replay, I want you to go ahead and leave comments for us, or you can even send me a DM. And I promise in future episodes, I will share your comments. We want to hear from you because that's the kind of community that we're in. This episode, I know that it encouraged you. So be sure to subscribe to Transformation Station Leadership Podcast. Share this episode, this particular episode. I need you to share it with five leaders in your network. And be sure to join us again weekly for another conversation that is designed to help you lead, to help you grow, and to help you transform. So until next time, lead with purpose, lead with appreciation, and keep on moving forward.